Relocating

Thanks for following us throughout our pregnancy. My incompetent cervix is no longer applicable to future posts. ;)

If you want to continue reading, I have merged my two blogs to this site. http://imarogers.blogspot.com/

Year anniversary

Two days from now will be the year anniversary of losing Bub. Bub was our baby in between Jack and Ellie. He passed away at 6.5 weeks in utero, but I didn't find out until week 10, September 1, 2009. Even as I sit here with my two amazing, healthy kids, I miss this baby that never was. The Urbana Sweet Corn festival last year was the last event we went to before finding out about the loss, and Jack's first day of preschool was the day we found out about the loss. So the annual Sweet Corn Festival was this weekend; Jack's first day of school was today; and Sept 1 is Wednesday. It's not just one day of remembering; it's a week. And I'm sad; and I'm tired of being sad. And I want something to mark the anniversary so I can remember and move on.

Gotta go hug the shit out of my two kids.

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Damn, I'm lucky and other hormonally based thoughts...

I wrote this shortly after Ellie was just born. Better late than never...

As most of my avid readers out there may know, Ellie was born at exactly 36 weeks. Because of her size and jaundice, we had to stay in the hospital a 3 extra days. For a mommy on bedrest, a few more days did start taking me over the edge. Fortunately, I had a husband who kicked me out of the hospital when Ellie was still a patient but I wasn't. Anyway, here's some thoughts I have had over the past week and a half.

1. I am one lucky lady. E is here, safe and sound. She's a spitter-upper, but we can deal with it.

2. My boy, J, is a strong kid. He has his emotional moments, but no greater than a regular 4 year old. He loves his sister, without malice toward the time that I was taken from him. He has grown up so much since I have been unavailable. And I love who he's becoming.

3. I have an amazing husband. Who would have thought 17 years ago I would pick someone who is the best man I know. I am just as in love with him as I was before. It's different. It will never be like when we were 16 or 20, but it is so much better than that.

4. I am stronger than I thought and I am impressed. I made it through 15.75 weeks of bedrest. I was alone when I got my epidural (and narcotic free). I cut my own kid's ambilical cord. I realize that I can do anything I put my mind to, even if it is extremely uncomfortable.

5. Another kid made me realize how great my love for Jack is.

6. I am riding the waves of stress better this time.

35 weeks and growing

I'm huge. No, I'm not calling myself fat. I really feel big and uncomfortable. Like there's some alien growing inside of me. But it means Ellie is getting bigger and stronger and able to survive without medical assistance. I don't know how big she is, but I can tell she's getting bigger; her body makes larger movements.

My cervix got measured today. It was .9 - 1.1cm long. Not bad considering that I have been a little more active since Jack's birthday and contracting more. Last ultrasound was 1.1-1.3. My doctor is going out of town until Wednesday evening, but he said that if I go in labor next weekend, I should have the "girls" (nurses) at the hospital call him, even though he's not on call. He wants to deliver this baby.

Friday will be week 36. At that point I am a wild animal set free after being imprisioned. What do I do? Where do I start? How much energy will I really have? How much will the shape and size of my body limit me to do things?

I can get Sonic sodas. Drop my kid off at summer camp. Walk my kid to bed. Clean toilets. Get pedicures. Go to the movies. Go shopping. Maybe even weed and garden if it's not too hot. Shit I'm excited.

This week, I'm scrapbooking the last 4 years of our life. Since it's an organizational project, it eases my OCD urges. And I can work on it in bed. It will be a nice way to close up bedrest. I should not wait to scrapbook so long again.

Not in labor

Ok, my contractions stop. Now, I am just achy from the ligament pain.

BTW, I love the fact that little girl helps me crave fruit.

How does one know if ones in labor?

So I have not been feeling the greatest since last night. I know I'm having some contractions and I'm kinda uncomfortable. But I also know this little girl is moving like mad and my ligaments are aching. So I'm just going to sit here, drink water, eat fruit and relax. And if that doens't work, well then I'm calling in.

A day of celebration and rememberance

My little man finishes his first year of school today. He has grown so much. He has learned to comfortably be apart from his mom and dad, he has become independent on some things. He has made friends, and he shows affection for those friends. As any mother would be, I am very proud of his accomplishments this year. But, as you can guess, his dad and I are his biggest fans.

Celebration number two is that we have made it to 34 weeks today with Ellie. It's hard to believe that about 14 week ago, they gave us some potentially scary news that she might be born prematurely. But we have made it with the help of friends and family, make it to this goal. Here's to at least 2 more weeks. My anxiety has dissipated, she would do well at this point. :)

For me, it's also a day of remembrance. Jack's last day of school makes me think of Jack's first day of school. Nervousness and excitement for him, and also the news that we lost our baby, Bub. We will miss him; he will always be my child, and the people who know me best know that I will always see myself as a mother of three. But without losing our Bub, we would not have Ellie. So, here's to my three kids.

Feeling a bit sad tonight

This whole turning four thing... Jack's birthdays have not made me sad before, but this year I feel a little melancholy. He's getting bigger. Yes, he screams and pitches fits, makes messes and doesn't listen... he's not perfect; neither am I. But the happiness that we have in our lives from him being in it is overwhelming and intoxicating. I love it.

Happy Birthday, Jack!

I love you, Jack! Happy Birthday, sweet boy. I wish you a happy life.

I know I'm late in blogging this. But it's been a crazy weekend. I used more energy in two days than I have in the 13 weeks on bedrest. Getting back from exhaustion, I want to say how awesome it is to celebrate my first born's 4th birthday. I can't believe he has been with us for 4 years. I can remember the day he was born very vividly, which is probably why I am not looking forward to labor again. ;)

Jack has started saying "I can do it, I'm 4." I love it. Doesn't work on everything, but those moments of independence make me very proud.

All the grandfolks were here on his special day. Aunt Mich made it, and we were able to have 7 friends from home and school join us in celebration. I feel bad we didn't have more kids, because we had more Jack wanted to invite, but we were only allotted a certain number at the rec center. At this age, I have tried to make it Jack's choice.

Jack asked when his birthday was coming up again, and I had to let him know not for another 364 days. That's too long for a 4 year old - so I tried to make it better by saying that Christmas was only 7 months away. :)

I am very appreciative of my folks and Kelly, who helped me make the day a Plants v Zombies birthday. They ran errands for me, printed stuff out for me... stuff that I was unable to do.

Behind

Bet you thought I was going to talk about my butt based on the Title, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint, but the only thing it's doing is getting bigger.

I am behind on blogs. I was going to post a video of Jack talking to his baby, but I got a little sidetracked sewing lily pads and wallnuts.... and playing the regular level of Crystal Spider Solitaire on facebook. Oops.

So we're almost at 33 weeks. Things are getting closer. I'm scared shitless of labor, even though I've already made it through one time already pretty pain-free. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. the time that was crazy intense pain I could not handle it for very long. What if I'm not near the appropriate calming drugs when that occurs?

Ellie is moving like a mad girl. Big waves. She's quiet in the mornings usually, but come nightfall, she's like a werewolf.

Ok that's it for now. I'll post more later. Gotta go to bed. Jack is going to be 4 in 4 days. Craziness.

Jesus, God and Heaven

Tonight, I am listening to Jack and Nick discuss where God and Jesus are.

Some of Jack's thoughts:
Is it next to the earth?
Is it all over the place?
I think it's on a big cloud.
Why does he bring the water down and makes the plants grow?

Of course, then the subject went from plants to Plants vs. Zombies. Now, these are questions I might be able to answer.

"My baby"

Jack had a sick day today, which means that Nick took a sick day today. On the sick day, Nick and Jack headed downstairs to look for stuff for Ellie. They found the old bouncy seat Jack use to play in. So Dad brought it upstairs. We showed Jack a lot of videos from when he was a baby, and so he wanted to get his baby (he has his own doll). Every hour or so, Jack would walk over to his baby and the seat and sang to his baby.

I took pics and video. I'll post something later.

Vagina

So baby girl is getting bigger and kicking my ass (literally), cervix, and you know, everything else. When this happens, I say out loud to Nick, "VAGINA" (and to myself because I spend a lot of time with myself). I figured the word "vagina" was better than saying "fuck" or "shit".

And that is my blog for this evening. Very exciting stuff.

More exciting news (as exciting as a worm moving across the concrete after a rain)... I did have a shower and then a doctor's appointment today. I get wheeled to the office instead of walk, so I don't talk that much. I am still amazed at how exhausted I am after those two activities. I do wonder how long it will take me to get energized again. I like to believe that once Ellie is out, I will be able to pick most of my energy back up right away.

This having babies thing...

Lately, I have read many thoughts about mother's day and friends fertility struggles. In the last year, I have learned more about friends who have had miscarriages and premature babies - some who have survived and some who have not. I know some who want to have the experience of parenthood, but for some reason or another, do not get the chance. And stories of those who have had some time with their children only to outlive them. To bring even more frustration to the situation, I have also heard some really shitty stories lately of people who treat their kids like crap, when there are others who would jump at the chance to give those same kids love.

If you have experienced any of those things, you can feel the pain that others have experienced. And if you haven't, you can still empathize because you understand that intense feeling of love for someone else. I really truly wish with everything I have that things would work out for those who want the experience.

The problem with not being a religious woman is that I know my thoughts don't do much except let someone know I'm thinking of them; whereas those, who believe in a higher power, believe that someone else is going to make things better. And that is something I envy.

I hope this post does not offend; it is meant to show support. Take care out there.

Out of practice

So you can tell I am out of practice with this parenting thing.

Nick can get Jack to do almost anything with a little motivation. He using more options than he does discipline, but he uses discipline very appropriately (i.e. taking a toy away for not listening). He doesn't hesitate to give a consequence and for that, Jack listens better.

I, on the other hand, stink at the consequence thing. I can tell; when Nick is not around, I am the wishy-washy parent who has that second of hesitation to take something away; or I can't come up with choices or use humor appropriately to motivate. I am out of practice. And that guilt, that I'm not suppose to be experiencing but is really there anyway, well, that is keeping me from being the parent I should be. Because all I feel like doing is nuturing and loving and cuddling. This is the last bit of time it's just going to be the three of us, and being stuck in bed is not how I imagined spending those final days.

But is the way it worked out, and I need to figure out this parenting thing again; or else I am screwed.

Now, I am going back to watching this corny Miss Marple movie made in the 60s with the funny 60s music. Maybe I'll sew a lily pad or two this morning. Jack's birthday is only 11 days away. Holy Canoli.

I am...

P.O.O.P.E.D.

and haven't done much but take a shower.

Another Amendment

I'm only a whiny bitch midway through the day. If you want to interact with me, feel free to do it before 12pmish. ;)

Just to warn you...

I'm going to be the whiniest bitch for the next 5 weeks (at least). I feel uncomfortable and sick; laying down 24/7 only makes me think about every feeling in my body. So, I'm sorry ahead of time. Hopefully, if I make it off bedrest, I will be so ecstatic that the adrenaline from getting out of bed will make me ignore all signs of discomfort.

But feel free to stop talking to me for the next 5 weeks. I would if I could. :)

My good boys

So, Nick and I have different religious beliefs, but as Jack's father, he has every right to teach him what he believes in. I am not ready to go into detail about my beliefs because that will be confusing, and I think there will be a period in our children's lives when questioning their faith in a belief system will happen.

Anyway, every night Nick does bedtime, which lately is every night, the boys pray. Jack is learning about Jesus, who he is, how he exists... stuff like that. Tonight Jack prayed that God and Jesus stay here until Ellie gets here and then they can go to other babies to be with them.

I like that my son is thoughtful and loves his little sister even before he's met her. That's the moral of this story.